Category: News

Almost every article on stand-up comedy has the same title: “Stand-Up Guy.”  It’s hilarious, catchy and overused!  Either comedians really are upstanding citizens or journalists are stopping at the first headline they think of.

So, if any reporters are writing articles about me performing at the Laugh Factory in Las Vegas Apr. 27-May 3, allow me to ingratiate  you some headlines you can use (because I’m a stand-up guy).

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“Vegas’ Only Sure Fire Bet.”
“Ha Rollers”
“Non-Stop Ha Ha Hip Hop at the Trop”
“So Funny You’ll Think It’s a Laugh Mirage”
“Comedy That Will Make You Go Bellagio in Your Pants”

Email me if you can think of more.

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I’m fresh off the plane from sunny Mumbai, India.  It was a quick visit, but enough to change my perspective on a city most Americans have only experienced from the movie “Slumdog Millionaire.”

So, to give you another perspective, here are the answers to the most common questions I’ve gotten about my trip:

1.  Why did you go to INDIA?!

Eric Schwartz, Raj Sharma, Vir Das, Tehran Von Ghasri and Jeremy Craven at the Vishanya Amphitheatre in Pune, India, Jan. 23, 2015.

Me, Raj Sharma, Vir Das, Tehran Von Ghasri and Jeremy Craven at the Ishanya Amphitheatre in Pune, India, Jan. 23, 2015.

I visited for the Weirdass Pajama Comedy Festival, presented by popular Bollywood actor and comedian, Vir Das. My friend, American comedian Raj Sharma, referred me to the festival.  Raj, myself and fellow Americans Jeremy Crave, Tehran Von Ghasri went from Hollywood to Bollywood, to perform on the the “American Invasion” show.

2.  Do they speak English?

Yes!  Last time I checked, India used to be owned by the British, who totally speak American.  It’s also one of the most tech-savvy nations in the world, so they have mad wifi reception, which imports most references on American pop culture.

Eric Schwartz India McDonalds

You can’t escape America, even in India.

3.  What did you eat? … Read More

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By Eric Schwartz

MOSCOW – After dismantling of the Steve Jobs monument in St. Petersburg in response to current Apple CEO Tim Cook coming out as gay, Russian officials announced Wednesday they will expand their anti-gay policy.

Aleksi Chernobyl, chief of Russia’s Gey Politsii (Gay Police), promised a nationwide cleanup of “erected structures defiled by gayness.”

Chief of Russia's Gey Politsii Aleksi Chernobyl searches a bus rider for gayness.

Chief of Russia’s Gey Politsii Aleksi Chernobyl searches a bus rider for gayness.

 

Public outcry was ignored as Chernobyl divulged plans to destroy the Kremlin after records revealed a homosexual hammersmith had worked extensively on the foyer in 1485.

The Trans-Siberian Railroad, Red Square and St. Catherine’s Cathedral will meet similar fates due to 100-percent probability a gay person had made contact at some point.

“Don’t even get me started on the Hermitage,” Chernobyl chuckled about the famed, now doomed, museum.  “Do you realize how many artists are gay?”

Lake Baikal, the world’s oldest and deepest lake, will be drained just in case a homosexual had ever frolicked in its waters.  Once refilled, it will be renamed “Lake Straight-kal,” to erase any inference to acquatic bisexuality.

In a selfless act of solidarity, President Vladimir Putin has agreed to chop off his own arms, realizing they are tainted from shaking President Obama’s hand after the US President met with gays–most notably, Cook himself.  Putin then recognized removing the second arm would be impossible since he’d only have one arm at that point.  Fortunately, he accepted Chernobyl’s offer to help in severing the other limb.  But, “no homo.”

Even Russian meteorologists are bracing for the next rainstorm, where Chernobyl says rainbows will be outlawed in a “symbolic attempt to stop the natural beauty of love.”

Apple Senior PR Manager Jonathan Miller says he is “surprised by Russia’s archaic ideas” and fully supports Cook on his decision to make his sexuality public.  He invites Russians to open their minds to the company’s slogan:

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